Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
