I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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