Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
