then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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