If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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