Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
