I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
