Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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