aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
