I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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