i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
