cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
