that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
