I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
