from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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