I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
