I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
