When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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