What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
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