OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
