Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I wish there were birth control emojis
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Randomize
