can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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