i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
