My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
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