I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I need moral support for this bender
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
