Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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