I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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