you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
