mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Panties = found
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