Whats the glycemic index on semen?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
