So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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