I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Randomize
