You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
