I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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