i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
