I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
