I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
time to smoke my breakfast
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
