You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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