he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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