i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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