woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
i out mim tonsoeep
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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