You smell like a Billy Joel song
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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