put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i was born a porn star she said
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
