Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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