the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
