the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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