you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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