The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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