Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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