do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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