i wish peter jackson would direct porn
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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