just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
