Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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