Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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