So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I AM VODKA MAN
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
