My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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