i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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