no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
