So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
