so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
