alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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